The Lost Years
by IceMaiden
Summary: This is about When Aeryn gets stuck outside the mist (the Locket)... J/A


THE LOST YEARS

~*~

~*~ Ice Maiden reporting ~*~

~*~

Disclaimer: I don¡¯t own Farscape. I don¡¯t get any money out of this¡­ this is only for pure enjoyment =P

Timeline: This is set during the Locket. It¡¯s set when Aeryn first gets stuck outside the mist.

Spoiler: You just need to know everything that¡¯s happened up to the Locket but BEWARE¡­ It has references to what is happening now in season 4.

Summary: Aeryn gets stuck outside the mist and she¡¯s kind of miserable. She gets some news that reminds her of her home in Moya. =P I better not give anything else away. I got the idea from what people were saying on the Ultimate Farscape Board.

I wandered around in the bustling marketplace. I heard this place was only busy once a cycle. This is the only planet, which seems to be able to hold life. Every other planet I went to was barren and a total wasteland. I¡¯ve been searching endlessly for Moya but in the end I gave up. I desperately need nourishment and sleep. I don¡¯t know what really happened to Moya and the crew. I heard many tales about a mist from the locals but it all seems too unrealistic to be true. Crichton once told me Humans thought that they were alone in the universe. He told me how a lot of the things he thought to be true that was proven wrong. It often makes me think about all the things that I have been wrong about.

I stopped as I reached a small alleyway. I felt a sharp and almost numbing pain run through me. I¡¯ve been feeling a dull pain ever since I arrived on this planet.

¡°Can you spare some currency?¡± A beggar tugged at my jacket. I pushed her away but her grip was strong.

¡°Urgh. I don¡¯t have currency. Let go of my¡­¡± I wrenched my jacket away from her and ran out of the alley. I¡¯ve seen poverty before but she scared me. There was a scar running down her face and her legs were limp. Through her I saw a window into my future. Without looking where I was going I stumbled into a nearby store.

¡°How may I help you?¡± I turned around. My peacekeeper training instinctively made me slide my hand down to the pulse rifle strapped around my leg. The healer woman looked at me innocently.

¡°Oh, I just need some herbs to take away the sharp pain I¡¯m feeling lately.¡± The woman moved out of her counter. 

¡°Let me take a look at you.¡± I instinctively moved back when she reached out for my hand. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t bite.¡±

¡°I said I just wanted some herbs. I don¡¯t need you to look at me.¡± Instead of being shocked from my outburst she smiled.

¡°Ah. A stubborn one, I see. I had a daughter like you. My Elliarne wouldn¡¯t listen to a thing anybody said.¡± She pressed her cool fingers to my wrist. ¡°Describe the sharp pain you have been feeling.¡±

¡°I¡¯ve been feeling it ever since I came to this planet. It¡¯s like someone¡¯s driven a cold knife into me.¡± I said softly. ¡°But it¡¯s nothing pain killers can¡¯t cure.¡± I cursed myself for letting my guard down. When she talked about her daughter it made me think about my own mother. The mother I have never known.

¡°Let me run a few tests on you. I might be able to find the source of your ailment.¡±

¡°I¡¯m not sick. It¡¯s nothing I can¡¯t handle¡­¡±

¡°Oh stop it. I don¡¯t really care if you can handle it or not. I¡¯m not letting anyone fall ill under my care.¡± I eyed her suspiciously.

¡°How much do you want?¡±`

¡°What do you mean dear?¡±

¡°I mean how much currency to you want. I¡¯ve only got enough to pay for the herbs.¡±

¡°Is that what you think I want?¡± She asked me and I raised an eyebrow. ¡°Fine. If you don¡¯t trust me then you can pay for however much you think you owe me by helping me in the store.¡± She turned to retrieve a sharp looking object. ¡°Hold on. I just need to take a blood test.¡± Before I could respond she stuck it in my hand. I pulled my hand away when she took it back out.

¡°Frelling¡­¡±

¡°I¡¯ll get the results back in a microt.¡± She interrupted me. I could see her smile slightly as she walked into the other room. I waited outside impatiently. There was something about this woman that annoyed me and amazed me at the same time. Until now I thought that was only something Crichton could do. 

A microt later the woman came back in the room looking slightly pale.

¡°I warn you. Tell me now child if what I fear is true. Are you a peacekeeper?¡±

¡°How could you tell?¡± I knew this planet didn¡¯t fully accept peacekeepers but I wore what they wore.

¡°The traces of a peacekeeper life linger in your blood.¡±

¡°I am a peacekeeper but I am one no longer.¡± She shook her head silently. I broke the silence, ¡°I must be off soon. Have you found out what¡¯s wrong with me?¡±

¡°Yes. Are you aware that a pregnancy stasis has been implanted in you?¡± I nodded slowly. ¡°Well that¡¯s what¡¯s causing the illness. It¡¯s reacting badly with the atmospheric conditions of this planet and it needs to be removed.¡±

¡°Okay. I¡¯ll get it removed then.¡±

¡°That¡¯s not a problem. I have the ability to do that. The problem is the consequences if you remove it.¡± I looked at her with confusion.

¡°Okay¡­ I have no idea what you¡¯re talking about. Women on the command carrier have gotten it removed before. There shouldn¡¯t be any real damage in removing it.¡± The woman shook her head wildly.

¡°I¡¯m not talking about that, child. I¡¯m talking about something else.¡± I think she read my confused expression. ¡°What I am trying to say is. You¡¯re pregnant.¡± I almost laughed at this.

¡°You must be joking.¡± She shook her head.

¡°I can perform the removing of the stasis today if you want me to.¡±

I searched her eyes for answers, ¡°What will it do to the child?¡±

¡°What it¡¯s supposed to do, allow the child to grow¡­ or if you¡¯re really against the idea of having a child, I can remove it.¡± I thought about it slowly.

¡°No¡­ wait. Can you get a DNA test for me?¡±

¡°Are you unsure of the father?¡± She looked at me with what seemed like sympathy. I turned away from her.

¡°If you¡¯re going to ask questions I¡¯m going to find another healer.¡± I turned to walk out of her shop but she stopped me.

¡°I¡¯m not doing this to patronize you dear. I¡¯m trying to do my job as a healer¡­¡±

¡°OKAY. I¡¯m not sure who the father is OKAY? I¡¯m a Peacekeeper trelk. Is that what you wanted to hear?¡± I broke down. Something in the back of my mind reassured me that it could be Velorek¡¯s child or John¡¯s¡­ the lesser of the possibilities. A child made from love. The compatibility serum did prove it was possible. The healer put a hand my shoulder but I brushed it away. The closer I got to this woman the more I felt my Peacekeeper barrier collapsing.

¡°If you want me to do the test I can. I can do it from the remainder of your blood sample.¡± I nodded and she left me with the awkward silence. So many thoughts rushed through my mind. Was I going to keep it? How would I manage on my own? I nearly screamed in frustration but the healer interrupted my thoughts.

¡°I have found something strange.¡± My heart twisted. ¡°The baby is not fully Sebacean. There seems to be a mixture of another DNA.¡±

¡°Is it Pilot DNA?¡± She looked back to her results.

¡°Only a milli-fraction is Pilot DNA but that¡¯s not what I mean. There seems to be some unknown DNA that is very much like Sebacean DNA but there are slight variations to it.¡± I let out my breath that I was subconsciously holding. It was Crichton¡¯s. 

¡°Can you find out when the child was conceived?¡± I just wanted to be sure.

¡°According to my results it should have been around a cycle ago.¡± The false erp. ¡°What is that dear?¡± I didn¡¯t realise I said it out loud.

¡°Nothing¡­ I was wondering if your invitation to work here is still available?¡± I had no choice. I didn¡¯t want to end up like that beggar in the streets. I didn¡¯t hesitate to think about what I would do with the child. The only option is to keep it.

¡°Of course it is. By the way, my name is Gynah. If you would also like a place to stay you can have one of the rooms at the back of my store. For meals you can go out and eat on your own or you can eat with me. Any questions.¡± I didn¡¯t understand this woman. I am a total stranger to her yet she lets me into her life so easily.

¡°No.¡± I replied and she turned around to show me to my room.

¡°Do you want me to remove the stasis?¡± I totally forgot about it until she mentioned it.

¡°If you must.¡± Without waiting for her reaction I walked into the room and closed the door. I fell limp on the bed overcome by the exhaustion of my long trip and of the past events.

* * * * *

Gynah performed the operation on me the next morning. My memory is still a bit hazy from the anesthetics. All I remember was waking up and walking into her surgery room. I came out an arn later feeling a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I panicked. Did I tell Gynah to get rid of the child? The child born from love. My hand slid to my abdomen. I jumped slightly as Gynah walked in witnessing my moment of weakness.

¡°I¡¯ve got some broth for you. It will revitalize you. You¡¯ll need all the nutrients you can get.¡±

¡°What happened?¡± I gratefully took her cup from her.

¡°Don¡¯t you remember?¡± She put her hand to my forehead. Her hands were cool and soothing, very much like Zhaan¡¯s. I never realized until now how much I missed everybody.

¡°All I can remember is walking into your surgery.¡±

¡°I think I might have given you too much of the painkiller.¡± She walked across the room to fetch me a spoon. ¡°You asked me to get rid of the stasis.¡±

¡°Did I tell you to take out anything else?¡± I think she knew what I was hinting at.

¡°The child still grows.¡± She busied herself with my bed sheets. Relief flooded me then an awful sense of emptiness. Crichton would be devastated if he knew I aborted his second potential child. Gynah took this moment to put her hands around my shoulders. Leaving all my Peacekeeper training behind I buried my head in her shoulders and wept.

¡°You loved him, didn¡¯t you?¡± I looked up and saw somewhat of understanding, probably from personal experience.

¡°I can¡¯t do this without him. I don¡¯t want to disappoint him.¡± Tears continued running freely down my face.

¡°If you love him as much as it seems and if he returned your love I doubt he would ever be disappointed in you.¡± The truth of her words amazed me.

Laughing I replied, ¡°How would you know?¡±

¡°My daughter, Elliarne, was not a full Sebacean.¡± She fumbled around in her pockets and dug out two small miniature pictures. One was of a dark-skinned man. Although he looked Sebacean enough the clothes he was wearing and the staff he held told me otherwise. The second picture was of a small girl. She looked no older than ten. She had her father¡¯s dark skin but her eyes clearly took after Gynah¡¯s. ¡°That¡¯s my Elliarne. Her birth was a violation against our racial purity. They killed Darlythe and they ordered me to give Elliarne to the traveling Sebacean colony when she grew old enough to fend for herself. She was no older than twelve when they took her away.¡± I felt sympathy for the older woman. 

¡°I had no idea¡­¡± I took her hand and held it.

¡°That¡¯s why I want to help you. I don¡¯t want you to feel as empty as I have for the past twenty-six cycles.¡± After a moment of silence she looked at me again. ¡°Tell me about this man. What¡¯s his name?¡±

¡°John. We met in the most unfortunate circumstance but there was something in him that I couldn¡¯t describe. He¡­¡±

¡°He was perfect for you?¡± Gynah finished off my sentence. I smiled.

¡°I wouldn¡¯t exactly call him perfect. He always manages to frell things up. But yes. He was something special¡­ He loved me.¡± I amazed myself as I used the words forbidden to Peacekeepers. I suddenly grew shy. ¡°I¡¯m really tired¡­¡± I started.

¡°Yes I must let you rest.¡± She tucked me into my covers as I image a mother would do for her child. After she left I cried silently into pillow.

* * * * *

For the next few months I stayed with Gynah. I worked in her store. I ate with her and she became family to me. It wasn¡¯t sudden. At first I kept her at a distance fearing she would ask something of me. Then I realised how she was like the mother I never had.

¡°Aeryn. Can you pass me the Sulfurium?¡± I passed it over to Gynah.

¡°What are you making tonight?¡± I walked over to her cooking area and dipped my finger into her brew. ¡°Tastes good?¡±

¡°Aeryn. Please leave my cooking alone.¡± She hustled me out of the kitchen. As I walked out I tripped on the mat and fell ungracefully on the floor.

¡°Frell.¡± Having a slightly swollen belly made me a bit uncoordinated.

¡°Careful.¡± Gynah helped me up. ¡°I don¡¯t want to clean up any blood. I just mopped the floor yesterday.¡± She joked. She hastily pulled me up and helped me to a chair.

¡°Sorry to be an inconvenience.¡± I remarked sarcastically.

¡°Oh Aeryn. Cheer up. You¡¯ll be back to yourself in four momens.¡±

¡°Four momens? Is that comment supposed to reassure me? Even the thought of one momen scares me.¡± I brushed the dust off my shawl as Gynah started serving our meals. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. I felt something moving. Gynah laughed at me. 

¡°It¡¯s kicking isn¡¯t it?¡±

¡°So it isn¡¯t just a human thing.¡± I smiled at the thought of Crichton with his Erp expressions and traditions. I surprised myself at how much I thought about John. Not a day went by since I left Moya that I didn¡¯t think about him. When I was on Moya I was constantly annoyed by him but now I felt myself lost without his presence.

¡°Aren¡¯t you going to finish your dinner?¡± Gynah interrupted my thoughts. I hesitantly stood up and pushed my plate away.

¡°I¡¯m not hungry. I think I¡¯ll go to bed early.¡± 

Before I walked out of the room I heard Gynah sigh and mutter ¡°She¡¯s still lost in her past.¡± I know I¡¯ve often denied it but I know it¡¯s true. There are a lot of things I¡¯ve regretted doing and more things I¡¯ve regretted not doing. 

I fell down exhausted on my bed. I pondered about my list of regrets. Firstly I regret treating everybody on Moya like inferior beings. I have long known that is not true. I also regret pushing everybody away and putting on my Peacekeeper mask everyday. I think the thing I regret most is not telling Crichton how I feel. It pains me to know that I may never see him again. I heard more rumours about the mist. Apparently it occurs every fifty-five cycles but every time it only opens up for less than quarter of an arn except once in one hundred and sixty-five cycles it opens for longer. 

I turned around and looked up at my calendar. I¡¯m marking off everyday until the mist reopens. I heard shuffling outside. I quickly closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep as Gynah came in and checked on me and I waited until she closed my door. I don¡¯t want to shut her out of my life but there are a few things I need to settle on my own. I got up and moved to my chest of drawers. Inside I kept a few possessions from my ¡®past life¡¯ as Gynah called it. Inside were my old leather clothes, my pulse rifle and the locket Chiana gave me. I took out the locket and opened it. Inside was a rough picture of what I remembered Crichton to look like. Gynah had convinced me to get a portrait done. She said love was too precious to be forgotten. I doubt I¡¯ll ever forget Crichton but I still got the picture done. I ran my fingers over his features, the features I knew so well. I closed the chest but I instead of putting the locket back I put it around my neck. 

¡°Hello little one.¡± I palmed my rounded stomach. A tear slid down my cheek. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m sorry I¡¯ve ruined your life. You know what? The day I went out into the mist your father asked if he should come with me and I told him to stay on Moya. I just had to act strong.¡± I curled up in the corner looking at the stars through the round windows. ¡°I don¡¯t belong here. We don¡¯t belong here. I was born in space and I guess it isn¡¯t so bad. It¡¯s my home. I¡¯m a pilot, not a healer¡¯s assistant. What I¡¯m trying to say is you¡¯re not just any child. You¡¯re conceived of love. I never thought I would admit it but I do love John.¡± I heard shuffling from outside and I quickly wiped my tears away and climbed into bed. Gynah came into my room and then walked out. I was left again once more with my memories.

~4 momens later~

I sat in the rocking chair with my new baby girl. Gynah said she would help me with the birth ceremony tomorrow. I¡¯ve decided to name her Elliarne Crichton-Sun after Gynah¡¯s daughter. Gynah almost cried when I told her.

I looked down at her. Her innocence astounds me. Her little fingers grip mine. I grinned. Her grip was strong. She¡¯s waking. Her round eyes open and stare at me. She¡¯s smiling at me. I guess she has Crichton¡¯s charms. Her eyes are a very light blue, a colour unnatural to Sebacean eyes. I hold her closer fearing I would lose her as well.

¡°Everything I¡¯ve loved has been torn away from me. I¡¯m not letting that ever happen to you.¡± I promised her softly. Her smile soon turned into a cry when a foul smell stained the air. ¡°You may have his charms but you also have his bad timing.¡± Smiling I turned to change her.

~5 cycles later~

The breeze blew past my cheeks. I could see a figure in the distance. I reached out and warm hands met my touch. John smiled at me. He whispered a few words and brushed my hair from my eyes. I could not make out what he was saying but I knew I was safe. I buried my face in his shoulder. He kissed me and brushed away my tears saying he had to go. I cried out to stop him ¨C 

¡°Mummy?¡± I woke up to find John¡¯s eyes staring back at me but the face that framed the eyes was not John¡¯s.

¡°Ellie?¡± I woke up to reality. A smile lit up my daughter¡¯s face. ¡°What time is it?¡± I looked out my window and saw the sun steadily rising.

¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± She crawled in my blankets and fell asleep. I smiled. When I looked at Ellie I saw the better part of me, the part of me that never saw death and never had to go through the torturous childhood that I had. I laid back and studied her face. Her eyes, innocence and her carefree nature was definitely John but her dark hair and most of her looks resembled mine. 

I looked up to the doorway and saw Gynah.

¡°I tried to stop her from waking you.¡± She paused watching me study Ellie. ¡°She¡¯s such a beautiful child,¡± Gynah smiled and came further into my room taking a seat next to my bed. ¡°She may have your looks but I have no idea where her ability to cause so much trouble comes from.¡± I grinned.

¡°That¡¯s definitely Crichton.¡± Ellie stirred. Gynah¡¯s smile faded from her face.

¡°Raeye came to call on you last night. You were asleep so I told him to come back some other time.¡± I broke eye contact with Gynah.

¡°I know you don¡¯t approve of him.¡±

¡°I never said¡­¡±

¡°Well you don¡¯t have to worry about him. I¡¯m not interested. Ellie is too important to me.¡± Gynah sighed.

¡°I¡¯m not worried about that. Actually it¡¯s quite the opposite. I quite like him. I¡¯m just concerned about you. He¡¯ll be good to Ellie. You wont be asked to give her up.¡± I pulled Ellie closer to me.

¡°I don¡¯t love him.¡±

¡°He¡¯ll be a good father.¡±

¡°I can handle this on my own. I can¡¯t¡­¡±

¡°What? You can¡¯t handle to be with another man?¡±

¡°Why are you forcing this on me? I don¡¯t love him. I never will. I can¡¯t love another man while I¡¯m still in love with John.¡± Gynah sighed and left the room. Ellie took this moment to wake up.

¡°It¡¯s okay mummy.¡± She put her small arms around me. I hugged her tightly. When Ellie fell back asleep I tucked her in and walked outside into the small field of wilderness. 

I ran through the bushes, ducking under branches and jumping over fallen logs. I stopped when I reached my destination. Before me was the transport pod from Moya. I quickly climbed inside. This was my place of escape when I needed to be alone. I reached into my shirt and pulled out the locket. I opened it. Inside were two pictures. One of the John and the new portrait was of Ellie. I still clung to the hope that one day the mist would reopen and that I would find John again. I was telling Gynah the truth when I told her I would never love anybody else. I only now started realizing that John is my one true love. He is the father of my only child.

I fished inside one of the vents for a package. I only found this package recently but I never opened it. It must¡¯ve been something Chiana stashed in here and forgotten to take out. I opened it carefully, scared that a wrong movement would cause everything inside it to break. When I pealed back the wrapping a small bottle a folded note fell out into my lap. I held the bottle to the light and instantly knew what it was. It was the compatibility test from the Royal Planet. I placed it lightly back into the folded cloth and I took the note into my hands. The paper was rough and a bit torn from constant use but it carried a familiar scent.

I opened it and it revealed Crichton¡¯s writing. I didn¡¯t know what it said. I only recognized a word he seemed to have repeated constantly through the passage. Aeryn. I examined the letters over and over again hoping I could find it¡¯s meaning.

~ A lot of things have happened and I can¡¯t find the meaning behind all of them. All I know is they all involve Aeryn. From the moment I met her I knew there was something special about her, the way she talked, they way she kicked my ass and especially the hope in her eyes. When I was on earth I thought my reason for living was to prove my theory, marry Alex and have a family. Now I only live for Aeryn. When I¡¯m with her I don¡¯t even think about earth anymore. I love her. She means more to me than life itself. I¡¯m not really sure if she feels the same way about me. I hope day after day that she does. The day you that you scented your hair was the day I started hoping you would feel for me as much as I do for you. Afterwards I even went to Zhaan to ask for the perfume that you got. As I am writing all I smell is that scent. I have to go now. I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m going to do with his note. I¡¯ll probably stash it where nobody will find it. I guess I better state my purpose for writing this before I go. Well, all I¡¯m trying to write now is. Aeryn, I love you ~

I heard noises outside and I quickly put everything back into the package and started walking back to the cottage. I arrived to see Ellie playing with the other children. I smiled and started walking towards her but a strong hand stopped me.

¡°Hello Aeryn,¡± Raeye smiled at me. I turned away.

¡°Hello,¡± I said briefly and walked away in the opposite direction. He stopped me. ¡°What? Do you need something?¡± I glared at him icily and he let me go.

¡°My mother is having a dinner feast tonight and I just wanted to know if you wanted to come.¡±

¡°Of course she would like to come.¡± Gynah crept up behind me. Raeye smiled brightly and winked at Gynah.

¡°That would be great. I¡¯ll tell my mother to put out an extra seat.¡± I glared at Gynah when he walked away.

¡°Why did you tell him I would go? What about Ellie? Tell him I¡¯m not going.¡± I walked away from her feeling angry and betrayed. 

When I got back to the cottage. I sat silently at the table fingering the locket around my neck. Gynah came in and sat next to me.

¡°I once was like you.¡± I turned to look at her. Seeing she was complete serious so I let her continue. ¡°After my daughter was taken away I wouldn¡¯t let anybody get close to me. Have I ever told you there was another man in my life?¡± I shook my head and she smiled. ¡°He was nothing like Darlythe but he was special on his own. His name was Plauyne. I am sure I learned to love him but I wouldn¡¯t let myself because of my past experiences. I thought I had betrayed Darlythe by loving another man and I still think that but I regret not doing anything.¡± She stopped wiping a tear away.

¡°What happened to Plauyne?¡± I urged her to continue.

¡°Nothing really. He just got sick of waiting for me to come around. He got married and moved to another village.¡± I saw the sorrow in Gynah¡¯s eyes.

¡°I¡¯m sorry Gynah but I can¡¯t do what you¡¯re trying to make me do.¡± She looked at me with confusion. ¡°Unlike you and Plauyne, I don¡¯t love Raeye and I doubt I ever will. He hasn¡¯t been through what Crichton and I have and I¡¯ll never love him as much as I love John. I know he¡¯s still out there and I am looking forward towards the day the mist reopens. I want to show him his daughter and I want to tell him¡­ I want to tell him I love him.¡± Gynah was about to interrupt but I continued. ¡°And besides. Ellie is enough for me. I don¡¯t need Raeye¡¯s companionship.¡± Gynah nodded sadly.

¡°I understand and I respect that. I guess I better stop this matchmaking.¡± She gave me a crooked smile. ¡°But I must say it will be rude to refuse a dinner invitation.¡± She gave me a weak smile before leaving the room mumbling about breakfast.

* * * * *

The dinner was good and for the first time I let myself have fun. Ellie played well with the other children and the village women didn¡¯t scorn me as I expected. When I finished dinner I went outside to look for Ellie but was stopped by Raeye.

¡°Aeryn? Can I speak to you?¡± I looked at him uncomfortably but I nodded in consent. ¡°I just wanted to say how much I ¡­ admire you.¡± I almost laughed at this. My amusement seemed to unsettle him. ¡°I know we haven¡¯t known each other for very long but to me if feels like cycles¡­¡± 

¡°What is your point?¡± I said bluntly.

¡°Marry me.¡± He blurted out before turning a bright shade of red. I was shocked.

¡°No¡­¡±

¡°Please think about it. Have all the time you want.¡± With that he quickly walked inside. His innocence made me pity him but my mind was already made up.

¡°Mummy?¡± I turned around and Ellie jumped into my arms. ¡°I¡¯m tired, mummy.¡±

¡°Okay. Do you want to go home now?¡± She nodded and I carried her home. I didn¡¯t bother to tell anyone of my departure. I just left. When I got home I tucked Ellie in fell on my bed, suddenly exhausted. I fell asleep almost immediately.

* * * * *

A cloaked figure walked towards me and I suddenly knew who it was. I whispered his name and he lifted his cloak revealing his smile. I ran into John¡¯s arms and he hugged me tightly. He whispered comforting words into my ear and told me everything was okay. He reassured me that the bad times would pass and the good times would once again come ¨C 

I woke up calmly in the morning. I could almost feel John¡¯s lips on mine. I raised my hands to my lips and smiled sadly.

¡°Mummy?¡± I walked over to Ellie¡¯s bed. I was suddenly worried. Her normally bright flushed face was now pale and sweaty with sickness. ¡®Is this the bad times John was talking about?¡¯ I asked myself silently as I brushed my hand to Ellie¡¯s forehead. It was burning hot. 

¡°Gynah!¡± I called.

¡°I¡¯m not feeling too well, mummy.¡± Her glassy blue eyes stared helplessly into mine.

¡°I know. I¡¯m going to help get you better, okay?¡± I tried reassuring her but an inner battle raged inside me. I cursed myself silently for letting her play in the cold yesterday. Ellie fell asleep as Gynah came in carrying herbs and small bottles.

¡°She doesn¡¯t look very good.¡± Gynah broke up herbs and started mixing a drink.

I stayed sitting beside Ellie for the whole day and night but in the end I fell asleep with exhaustion and worry.

* * * * *

¡°Mummy?¡± I was relieved when I heard Ellie¡¯s voice but when I looked at her fear gripped me again. Her fever had not relinquished its hold on her and her eyes were still glassy.

¡°Yes Ellie. Mummy¡¯s here.¡± I held her tiny hand in mine.

¡°I¡¯m tired.¡± Tears sprang to my eyes.

¡°No, Ellie. You¡¯re going to hold on. You can¡¯t leave mummy.¡± I hugged her.

¡°I love you mummy.¡± Her blue eyes locked into mine for what felt like eternity and finally I felt her go limp in my arms. I held her and cried. Gynah came in. She put a hand on my shoulder and asked me to put Ellie down but I pushed her away and continued sobbing.

* * * * *

The funeral for Ellie was done immediately. I looked down at the earth bed where Ellie¡¯s body was buried. 

¡°You were the only thing I had.¡± I kneeled down staring into the headstone. ¡°YOU WERE MY ONLY DAUGHTER!¡± I screamed. ¡°Fate frelled me again.¡± I whispered and fell on a heap at the end of her grave crying.

* * * * *

I returned home that day feeling a huge burden on my shoulders. I told myself I failed John. I failed to keep his child alive but deep inside I knew he wouldn¡¯t have wanted this for me. When I started walking to my house I saw Raeye following beside me slowly. A clear option lay before me. 

¡°Raeye?¡± He turned to me, a surprised look on his face. ¡°Is that offer of marriage still open?¡± He silently nodded, still not daring to speak. ¡°My answer is yes.¡± He grabbed me and swung me happily. I tried to be happy but the heaven burden was still not lifted.

* * * * *

(159 cycles later)

I waited with my granddaughter for the mist to reopen. I stared in amazement as a bright mist opened up above me. I waved at Ennixx and I climbed in the transport pod and started the engine.

I breathed a sigh of relief as Moya came into view.


End file.
